something blurred and fading

Read this don't read this its not for you anyway. I pay the money for this blog so I'll put my shit on here if i want. 

How does the depression affect me?
Today I don't feel hopeless and pointless, just angry that I have to be here. I want everything to fail and isolation to be entire so I can just get on with ending my existence.  Other days I'm bombarded with suicidal thoughts, elaborate ideas on how to end things quickly. Ideas that make me wish I was an engineer or at least had more dubious contacts. Stillness and regularity of thought processes is not what the depression brings me. When I'm not ,angry and focused on how to suicide myself, I'm numb, empty of everything and welcome it. Then people ask me how I'm doing. I don't want to tell you.

How is the treatment working?
Is it? I'm here going through the treatment, like Sisyphus. I've got his mythical out look on my future. Don't look too deep into a myth. I see the treatment working. I see me 'fixed'. I see my inevitable collapse.  They say they can give me techniques to manage. Heh. Manage my life. Spend my days looking over my shoulder watching for suicidal me. Then after a life of 'managing my mood' I can finally die of old age. or disease. or whatever. 

Why am I doing the treatment? 
I honestly don't know. I have cliched answers. For my family. Because I have a part of me that wants to live? Fuck knows. 

What do I want? 
To die. Feel like everyone is guilting me to live. I know they love me and worry about me but I feel trapped in this life. Like I'm not allowed to be me, because the me now will take me away from everyone. I'm loaded with the responsibility of everyones happiness. I want to cry. But it solves nothing.  Things become too much and I want to hurt me. They have suggested the rubberband idea, but that deals only with the pain, not the fact I want to damage myself. They want me to engage with the treatment, but I want to disengage with life. Today I'm angry and want to tell every one to get fucked. To push what ever buttons I can to isolate myself. What I do know is everyone has their limits. Push hard enough, long enough and they'll give up. Some find they are able to deal with the pushing. So I'll shut down instead. 

Everyone is telling me to live, when we're all going to die anyway. I can't be arsed waiting anymore. They say my suicide will effect my kids and Su. I know this. But when I'm dead, I won't care or worry about that. Callous? yeah, but logical. All my issues can be boiled down to one soloution. yeah its perimant and there is no going back from it. Fuck it.

I'll do the treatment get the help I can get. And fill you in again on my stuff at some point. any ways.m laterz maybes.