Something time constrained

Being Monday and all I've had about a 1 hour to do work. Here are my two 30 min studies. Both are about 7" x  10" and are oil on canvas paper.

Something about dedicated focus.

I've been watching with mild jealousy, my Instagram and Facebook feed. Recently the Flux exhibition happened in London, and it's been filling my feeds. I wish I could have attended, I wish my art was there. I wish. I wish. I wish. Wish are just signposts to action. 

I enjoy my job. Painting and having fun. I need to build more skills and refine my technical abilities, which means I feel I need to put most ofthe fun to one side and crack on with 'work'.  Work in this sense is doing the type of painting that will advance my skills and doing that regularly. Daily. I have obstacles, like everyone else, but I also have advantages others lack. 

I'm being very vauge. (I feel vauge.) I'm setting off on a year(ish) long plan of creating portraits and figure studies. My natural tendency is to rush head long into all my tangential ideas. But I need to be strict and develop my skills in handling realism. I'm going to still play with the generative, glitch and abstract ideas, that's what keeps me having fun. But I need to focus to bring myself up to scratch. 

The images below are from the first few days of this. 

untitled self glitch

Your uniformity does not impress me. Oil on board. 9" x9".

All I ever wanted. Oil on canvas paper. 10" x 14".

Something done, something blue

Only managed to log 2hrs in the deathtrap cave o paint.  Currently that is not unusual. I'd love to get in there later and paint up a storm, but after getting, the kids in bed I'll be running low on motivation. 

Anyway I worked on 4 things today. 2 small finished pieces and 2 work in progress.  

Ch-ch- check 'em out (turn table scratch) wikiy- wa-wa!

self portrait without a clever title, oil on canvas paper, 10" x 10"

I had a naff price of work that I painted this on top of. I believe I have improved it. 

abstracted and blue, oil on cardboard, 9"x 14" (or something)

Abstracted this from a selfish I want to use again. Nice as a study I guess.

MMoL (working title) 90 cm x 60 cm, oil on canvas

As you can see I'm consistent with my units of measurement. A work in progress that I'm enjoying. 

Pretty much done with this just some little tweaks here and there and bingo. 

Not for you

I need an outlet. This is it. Sometimes the posts here will not be about my art. They will be a venting area. I would just and talk this stuff out with matez, but I rarely see them, due them and I having lives. I'd phone only the same thing. So I'm venting here. Read it if you want, or don't. It's public because I need it to be.  

Today. Really stressed out and had a minor anxiety rage attack. My anxiety swamps me and kicks me on to a defensive, fight or flight gig. I have no where to run to as it's in my head so I rage. I will lash out at inanimate objects like the veg basket. (Those carrots rued that day) or the bin. (We have a new one now.) What caused it. A slowly built up mountain (molehill) of tasks, that impeded me from painting. (I'm doing this rather than painting because as I type the words I'm feeling better and better) I had a trivial list of tasks to complete. Take the kids to school, hang washing, put a wash on, exercise,(a new thing) , tidy,(not doing that now) prep dinner, (will hash something out using a meat based product and veg later) , collect Milo's prescription, put away dry washing, shower, paint. 

Written like that I can see how irrational my stress was. But at the time it felt like my whole day had been consumed by shitty little tasks that NEEDED doing and that painting I loved was so far away. So much my mind screams, why bother with the painting you're not going to have the time. 

The peaceful feeling of typing this is fadi, my head is telling me I'm burning precious seconds and will have no time for any painting. I know it's wrong but if I don't head it off, it might find shit for me to do that gets in the way of me painting. * Shakes fist at stupid self sabotaging personality construct. 

More later maybe. I found this helpful.