Not for you

I need an outlet. This is it. Sometimes the posts here will not be about my art. They will be a venting area. I would just and talk this stuff out with matez, but I rarely see them, due them and I having lives. I'd phone only the same thing. So I'm venting here. Read it if you want, or don't. It's public because I need it to be.  


Today. Really stressed out and had a minor anxiety rage attack. My anxiety swamps me and kicks me on to a defensive, fight or flight gig. I have no where to run to as it's in my head so I rage. I will lash out at inanimate objects like the veg basket. (Those carrots rued that day) or the bin. (We have a new one now.) What caused it. A slowly built up mountain (molehill) of tasks, that impeded me from painting. (I'm doing this rather than painting because as I type the words I'm feeling better and better) I had a trivial list of tasks to complete. Take the kids to school, hang washing, put a wash on, exercise,(a new thing) , tidy,(not doing that now) prep dinner, (will hash something out using a meat based product and veg later) , collect Milo's prescription, put away dry washing, shower, paint. 

Written like that I can see how irrational my stress was. But at the time it felt like my whole day had been consumed by shitty little tasks that NEEDED doing and that painting I loved was so far away. So much my mind screams, why bother with the painting you're not going to have the time. 

The peaceful feeling of typing this is fadi, my head is telling me I'm burning precious seconds and will have no time for any painting. I know it's wrong but if I don't head it off, it might find shit for me to do that gets in the way of me painting. * Shakes fist at stupid self sabotaging personality construct. 

More later maybe. I found this helpful.